How my gap year saved my life

Hello world,

It's been a while and a crazy busy year now, I feel comfortable and ready enough to share my gap year, for whoever might be in a similar place but mostly for myself. I created this blog and YouTube channel to be a platform where I could express myself and I could record all the moments of my Gap year. However, I felt like I had to be very careful with what I would say or do because I felt like I would be judged for whatever reason. Until I realised it was because I was brought up in a very judging household and that was my fears getting in the way, but those fears only started to stop me when I started to vlog in front of new people.

Last summer, I was able to go to America and work as a camp counselor and I was so excited to share that with the world and give an insight to my journey and to inspire people to travel and work abroad. I arrived at camp excited to vlog my whole experience with my new camera, but I started to receive a lot of judgement for always recording and taking my camera everywhere, and that was when I felt like I couldn't be myself around everyone, then it became harder to record or even bond with other counsellors, as the kids arrived, not only that but mostly when I would talk one on one with girls counselors, they would always complain about each other, I just didn't know how to act around them because everyone just seemed, well, two-faced. I just backed myself because I didn't want to be part of any drama, so I kept to myself and tried to focus on what I could offer to these kids and do more for my blog and then God sent me a friend. She came late to camp and wasn’t fluent in English, but she was my roommate and she was so much fun, she was the one that taught me that, what people think about you don't matter but what you think about yourself does. From then on, I decided what kind of counselor I wanted to be and how I wanted to show these kids, that they can be whatever they want to be, no matter what their friends or their family think about them, or what their background is. That they can change themselves for the better, no matter how many tries that takes because it's their life.

After that camp went smoothly, I mean there was a drama that went down but I am happy I wasn't in it. I was able to take that lesson to camp and more, I meet pretty cool people that I am happy in contact with and able to call them family, and one of them my best friend (talk about that some other time). I was having so much fun, I didn't vlog or blog as much as I wanted to but frankly, I didn't mind.

However, throughout my travels, I had a lot of financial struggles and relationship issues. When I left to go on my gap year, I was in a 4-year relationship, with whom I thought was the one for me, this was my first ever relationship and a lot had gone on. I was just 16 when we got together and was clear on all my standards and plans, about my gap year, going to another town and especially that I wanted a relationship until marriage. The first few months of that relationship were one of my happiest because it was new but also I started to see that my partner wasn't how I thought he was going to be, the truth is, before we had gotten together, I spent more time thinking/c what he was going to be like than actually finding out how he was. Although I started to see all of this things, I thought God brought us together and I was sure he was the one and that we could change into a better person, honestly that didn't happen and you can only help someone so far and it’s up to them to change but I was blind to the point where he took advantage of me, manipulated me, abused and then cheated of me, after all of that, I was in denial, the thing is I wasn't perfect either but that was the thought that made me do everything to make the other person happy. I thought I was the reason for all of the bad and then I lent him a lot of money because somehow I thought I had to for some reason and again I was blinded to what I thought it was a relationship I need in my life but then I went on my gap year. I arrive in Madrid on January 9th and I went on a night out for the first time and then everything changed, I meet this amazing group of people I can call my family. They showed me love and compassion, on the first night we all met and for the first time, I felt like I was heard, needed, loved and people appreciated me for the little I had done, I spent that night talking about how "amazing my boyfriend was", then after an amazing night, I came back home to calls and messages, on where about I was, and who did I sleep with, like if I was ever capable of doing so, and then it hit me. How can a person that knows me for so long, a person that claims that loves me, treat me in such a way? Then it was like a mirror shattering in my head, I saw it crystal clear, that I had to make a change in my life and broke things off with him. It wasn’t simple he owed me a lot of money, so when I left camp in America and began travelling, I had a really tight budget, but that was also the time where I got closer to God and began to pray, asking for forgiveness and security and he is good, because I wasn't left starving or sleeping without a roof, he placed the right people in my life and for the first time, I really started to believe he was there for me indeed, but all of this was only a start.

The biggest challenge was getting back to England, showing everyone the new me, but I felt like not everyone understood, but that wasn't my biggest worry. My worry was how am I moving towns with no money and how do I get to University, to start my new course? Then God gave me a miracle, I found a room in an apartment 2 minutes from university, then a friend from church amazingly lent me enough money to get the apartment, then I couldn't get my student loan until January, but God told me to stop asking my ex for my money back because he was just using that to keep in touch and he was holding me back, soon as I did that, God gave me a job, I was able to pay all my bills in time and then God gave me the change to go back to camp Summer 2019 and he showed me that he is not a bad god, he loves me and no matter what happened in my past he will always love me and help me do better and be better. I don't know how all of this sounds to you but all problems and issues I have ever faced and all the storms I was in, God was right there with me but he only acted when I called out to him and things began to take place once I began to be more loyal and faithful to him like he is to me. I worked hard both at my job and university work, I officially passed and surprised myself, I also paid my friend back and was able to go and travel the whole summer with my best friend. Thought this only year I've been asking God, for my ways to be his ways and if there is something I am doing or something in my life, it is not his way, I ask him to take it away and give me the right tools to manage it. I am sure that if this gap year never happen, I would of drown myself with blame, guilt, depression and doubt until I broke but when I was lost God found me and he is always there,

God never lies, and he is the way and that is how my gap year saved my life.

Now that is a way to express me into a blog, I hope this helps in any way but honestly, this was something my heart was calling me to do, and I hope I can carry on with my blog and YouTube channel but take it to another and better level, to share my plans, adventures and life lessons along the way. If you are reading this, Thank you and until my next blog, let me know if there a specific topic you would like me to address or share in any of my social media.

Love Maria x

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